Lily's dilemma
by Glass Eyedrops
Summary: She knows it's wrong. It's wrong in some many was she could not begin anywhere to start describing it. But yet, she feels addicted. To him.
1. Remembrance

Red-gold hair was draped over a snow-white pillow. Fingers spun through it, fanning it out, separating hair from hair. A sigh escaped the prim, cherry-red lips that belonged to Lily Evans, her emerald green eyes sparkling in the dim light of the overhanging chandelier.

His arrogance lingered there. His touch was still felt on her smooth cheek, upon the curve of her neck. A small smile appeared upon her face. He was not yet gone. Whilst it was true he was not present, she could still see him looking at her intently, with that glint in his eye, with his cocky smile.

How long had it taken her to become smitten? She could not recall. Perhaps it had only been a few minutes. It went against everything she had ever said, ever done. She had only kissed him for the first time about an hour ago, yet she found herself wanting more. Craving him, like drugs.

What had he been thinking of as he swaggered away, hands thrust in his robe pockets, as he did normally? Was it her that occupied his mind? Did he think of how he had laid his quivering, perfect kiss on her?

"You kiss by the book." Romeo and Juliet, one of her beloved books, or rather a play, entered her head. That could be how he kissed, she did not know.

She did not have much to compare it to.

Undoubtedly he did.

Sirius Black.

His hair had not long ago tickled her cheek as his mouth explored hers. His hands had not long ago held her gently around her robe-enclosed waist.

She knew it was wrong. She knew Sirius was not meant to be hers, that it was James she should be intended for.

Yet something about the fact that Sirius did not stalk her, that he was not besotted with her every move attracted her to him. True, he was as arrogant and bloody bigheaded as James, but she didn't know. With Sirius it just seemed to ooze charm, make her heart thud in her chest faster. But with James, it just made her think he was a downright git.

Twinges of guilt flashed through Lily as she thought of James, his sticky-up hair, his white-toothed smile. He could get over her, couldn't he? It seemed unlikely. Yet now, Lily cared not. Well, not that much, anyway. How could she, after what had happened today? It was not her fault she had succumbed to Sirius' charms. Was it? Yes.

She could have stopped his exploring hands, strong and beautiful as they were. She could have pushed his overpowering body away. But what was done was done, she could not change it. Lily sat up, her hair tumbling across her back; smile again erupting on her pale, pristine face.

Lily gave some sort of happy sigh. How had this started? It seemed decades ago. The yellow-bright sunbeams drifting down slowly as they sat at the lake. Or rather, as she had done. Sirius had arrived later, full of himself, yet different slightly as there was no James about to impress.

"Lily." He had begun. Something to note there, in the first word he had said to her. He had not called her Evans, for once. Perhaps….just perhaps, she could go back down to the lake. He might be there, the light shining on his jet-black hair. He just might.

Wandering down the corridors of the great castle, Lily's mind strayed further into the last few hours. How on earth had they moved so quickly? Why had they done it? For reasons Lily could not fathom, she was now pretty much besotted. Well, she might not go that far. But she was thinking about him pretty much all the time. Rolling her tree-green eyes, Lily blinked as she stepped out into the sunlight, and shielded her eyes from the offending rays. Hurrying across the grass and to where she had sat at the lake before, Lily placed herself down, keeping an eye out for Sirius.

He should be here. Well, maybe he shouldn't, but wouldn't he usually be outstretched on the grass, basking in the sun, laughing along with his friends, or them laughing at something he said. And here she was, alone, and remembering.

She wouldn't even mind if James and Remus and Peter were there. Just to see him, to talk to him, would be enough. But then James might suspect something, as she never usually talked to them, except to chastise them. She hated James. The whole school knew that.

So why did she feel so guilty?


	2. Doubts

A week had now passed since that first glorious kiss. And that week had held more of his touch, more of the feel of his lips, it resounded with her laughter.

"Oh, Sirius, stop it!" She'd protested one perfect night, as dusk feel around them, not really meaning it, trying to halt his prying hands opening their way across the front of her shirt. Needless to say, she had failed. Even raging wolves would not stop Sirius Black, when he had a conquest to achieve. Merely he replied in the most perfect way; with the touch of his soft lips, his darting tongue against hers.

She would always let him win him over, weak-willed girl that she was. But her mind, in his wonderful presence, had been reduced to little more than a metaphorical slush. She wanted to be with him forever.

Yet there had been something niggling in the back of that slush-brain of hers. Something that upset her, and made her feel insignificant.

Was she like all of his other 'girlfriends'? She used that word with care, as he didn't generally go out with someone for that long; basically not long enough to call them his girlfriends. Did she mean as little to him as they did? Would she just be a one or two-week fling, to satisfy his needs? She did not want to be another notch on the great bedpost of Sirius Black, as it were, if they ever got that far.

So, dithering like the great prat she was, like she had done precisely a week ago, she was now in the embrace of Sirius, in a secluded spot in the grounds. Her brow was furrowed with thought, an expression seen mostly when she did her homework and was concentrating.

"Sirius…" She began, fiddling with the sleeve of her robe, toying with a lose thread.

"Yes, Lils?" He replied, stroking her fiddling hand, grinning his special grin.

"You do…like me, don't you? I mean, I'm not, I'm not…just another girl?" She'd said it outright, and she couldn't believe that she had done so. That she'd had the pure guts to say it to him without hesitation. And his reply to this was more than satisfying. Shaking his shaggy locks, he took her hand in his, and gave her a reassuring smile.

"Lily, do you honestly think I'd risk losing my best mate over 'just another girl'?" He asked, raising an eyebrow pointedly at her, and chuckling. "You mean a lot to me, Lily. You're the nicest girlfriend I ever had." He admitted, unabashed.

Lily blushed. She had not considered that they were that close yet. She supposed they were, though. And she wasn't going to object to him thinking that. As she felt her face burn, Sirius shifted his position, and hugged her closer, tightly to him.

"I'd trade in a million Jameses for you, Evans." He said, and kissed her cheek, which seemed to grow hotter by the minute. She squirmed. It wasn't every day you got something like that said to you. And in return, she said nothing. She only swivelled around to kiss him lightly on the mouth, then let her lips linger there, and finally she moved her head back, only for him to follow. And then they were trapped again. In that cycle that she never wanted to cease.

She'd kiss him, he'd kiss her. And they would not stop, they felt they couldn't. It was beautiful and at the same time terrible, for she knew she shouldn't be doing this to James. And she knew she shouldn't be falling in love with Sirius Black.


	3. Suggestions

"So, erm, Evans, I was wondering if you'd like to go out with me." Spoke the voice of James Potter, asking that question again. He'd asked it so many times she expected it around four times an hour. It wasn't always the question; he made suggestive comments too, generally about how he'd like to shag her.

So, so, so unattractive. And very annoying it was too. Didn't he realise that she would never in a million years go out with him? Apparently not. He was too thick for that sort of thing.

Something here puzzled her. She'd said many times she'd never get involved with any of the Marauders, with perhaps the exception of Remus, because he was nicer than the others, yet she had gone and done so. And she did not understand why. Perhaps it was because Sirius really seemed to care about her, and didn't want to just get her to bed. Perhaps it was because she had found that she enjoyed spending time with him, he was funny with his arrogance, he made her laugh. Perhaps it was because he was such a great kisser, but Lily Evans was not that shallow.

She couldn't move herself to James Potter's level. But maybe she had, through doing this with his best mate…it was the sort of low-level thing that he would do.

Letting out a long breath, Lily turned to face James.

"Potter, I think you know the answer. You've heard it often enough." She said coldly, turning back to her book positioned in her lap, as she sat in the common room, flames flickering in the fireplace and enhancing the soft glow on her auburn hair.

James merely smirked, and swaggered off, looking behind him as he went.

"You'll change your mind soon enough, Evans." He stated, and then he was gone.

She'd be damned before she changed her mind. She would never in a million years snog James Potter. She'd rather kiss that pickled frog she'd seen in the potions classroom.

She and Sirius had finally discussed the issue of James, though it had taken a lot of persuading from her, a lot of pushing him away until he agreed. But what he had said had surprised her completely. Yet now she thought about it more and more, it seemed to make sense.

"Sirius, stop!" She protested, prying his hands away from her waist, trying not to laugh. "We need to talk about James…what are we going to do?" She asked, gazing at him intently, a softness in her eyes that seemed to plead for him to stop.

Sirius, seeing this look, relented and thought for a second.

"Well, we can't tell him, unless you'd like to see me with another nose, or something equally nice like that…" He said, thinking aloud, and giving a short smile. "And I don't want him to hurt you, either…so telling him is out of the question." He concluded, frowning.

Lily sighed. She did want James to know, it wasn't fair to let him go on asking her out, and liking her, oblivious to the situation. Especially as she'd seen Sirius trying to hide an infuriated look when James popped the question, with much difficulty. She didn't want Sirius to feel that way, either. So she nodded. They would not tell Potter. She could tell Sirius felt bad about it too, as James was his best friend. But they could not risk it.

Sirius opened his mouth to speak again, even more deep in thought than before. Which was quite a scary look to see, as he didn't normally do so. She might have laughed if the situation wasn't so serious. And she knew he would not appreciate it.

"Lily…perhaps…perhaps if, if next time he asks you out, you accept?" Sirius asked, looking at her hopefully, like it was a good suggestion. Lily's face contorted into disgust, and she took a step backward, as if he'd offended her. Which he had, sort of.

"Sirius, I am not, repeat not, going to go out with James Potter, especially when I'm going out with you. It's bad enough that I'm doing that, I don't want to two-time you, for Chrissakes, even if you give it the thumbs up." She scowled, knowing she was babbling and possibly not making much sense. But she just wanted to get her point across. "I really like you, Sirius…I don't like James. End of bloody story."

"No, Lily, I mean…I mean it would stop him being so flipping annoying…"

Lily snorted. As if James would stop being annoying. Sirius merely waved his hand, dismissing the matter, and carried on.

"Well…less annoying. Anyway, it would stop him asking you out, it would make him less suspicious…because believe me, he's been acting a little strangely recently. He knows something is up with me, even though he doesn't think it's to do with you…you could just agree to go on a date, or something, you don't have to kiss him or anything like that." He added, seeing the repulsed look upon Lily's face. "And then you could say you didn't want to go on another date, that you didn't like him…" Sirius gulped, smiling at Lily. "And then maybe…maybe you could tell him you like me, not him."

Lily smiled back, with a look of sympathy on her face.

"Sirius, you know as well as I do that James would never give up on me…and I'm not the one who's around him twenty-four seven." She took his large hand in her small one, and traced a small line along his thumb, softly yet purposefully. "Though I suppose I could try…" She said hesitantly, looking up at him with a wry smile.

Sirius grinned immediately, drawing her toward him.

"Ace, Lils. Only one date…and if anything happens, I'll deal with it." He assured her, nodding, and gulping. "Because I really don't want to lose you."

Lily blushed. She wished Sirius didn't make her feel this way. Again, all sensible thoughts had disappeared from her mind, and her insides were jelly. Sirius merely grinned, and the conversation was sealed as it usually was. With a kiss. Or more than one.

And now Lily was sat in the common room, feeling stupid and guilty because she hadn't done as Sirius had requested and accepted James's offer. But she was so used to turning him down that it was incredibly hard to make herself say yes.

Next time, she assured herself, she would. For Sirius. The boy who didn't want to lose her…


	4. Questions?

Several hundred kisses later, and Lily was still as smitten as ever, if not more so. She was falling fast in love, and no one would catch her, set her right.

She wouldn't let them even if they tried. She did not want to be caught. She felt his touch everywhere, could feel him stroking her hair, whispering in her ear what he felt, could see his smirk in front of her eyes, burned imprint of them there even when she closed them.

And had James asked her out again? You bet she had. And had she said 'yes'? Of course. She wouldn't break her promise to Sirius. But they hadn't gone out on that date yet, as Lily kept putting it off. She'd decide on a date with him, but then Sirius would arrange something, and she'd blow him off.

But it only seemed to make him more eager to see her, he would not relent with his constant cooing over her, his bragging that he'd;

"Finally got the most gorgeous girl to go out with him."

"Won her over, hook line and sinker."

"Wed her yet."

Yes, that was the worst one. She winced when she heard it. She felt he was moving very, very fast. She did not want to marry James Potter. He was too immature, too annoying, nothing that she wanted. And she could see it tearing Sirius up too, he clearly wanted to punch James, but he restrained himself well.

James was now mooning over her daily; he would not leave her alone. She had to practically perform a banishing spell to get rid of him, but instead found other excuses, mostly excusing going to the toilet. Though how anyone could go to the toilet for hours on end, she didn't know.

And Sirius's plan had worked. James did not suspect one thing; he was blinded by his obsession for Lily. Which meant that when she was not being stalked by James, Lily and Sirius could do as they pleased. Mostly trips to the Room of Requirement, which she didn't know existed, until now. And she was glad for it. Because it meant that Potter couldn't find them. And he…well, he really wouldn't have liked to have found them in there recently.

Because if there's one thing worse than walking in on your best mate snogging your would-be girlfriend, it was walking in on them doing…other things. She felt bad for it, she really did. Yet she could not stop herself feeling like she was walking on air after she'd seen Sirius, stop herself liking him so much.

She thought about him pretty much all the time. Her studies were going to slip, she knew it, but she cared not. She cared more about the boy that she was almost in love with. She'd caught him staring at her several times in class, with a soppy smirk plastered over his face. It was this look of his that she couldn't get out of her head. She always blushed and looked away, hoping James wouldn't twig onto the fact that Sirius was staring at her. But either he was scratching stuff on the table with his quill (Lily had seen J.P + L.E countless times), or he was staring at her too. And he thought she was blushing at him.

How wrong could a person be? She really did not understand how James Potter did not give up. He was persistent, it was as if he was a dog with a stick, one that would never let go no matter what you did.

He would not let the thought of her go. Just like she would not let Sirius go. She wanted to be with him for all eternity, though she wouldn't admit that to him. He'd only freak out…wouldn't he? Or was he having the same thoughts as her? She wanted to know…and maybe, maybe she could test this. Ask him how much he liked her.

But wouldn't that be putting him on the spot? Lily frowned. Their next trip to the Room of Requirement was tomorrow. Maybe she'd ask him then…

Saturday came around slowly. Lily seemed to count the minutes until she was due to meet Sirius, and hurried off when the time came, grin plastered all over her face, dashing to the Room of Requirement.

She didn't know if he was there or not. So, just to be on the safe side, she walked past the wall three times, thinking of a safe haven for her and Sirius, the same as usual, where they could not be found.

Pushing the door open, Lily hastily entered the room, and grinned as she saw Sirius sprawled on the sofa that was positioned at the side of the room. He gave an equally large smile, and beckoned her over there, wrapping his strong arms around her when she did so, overpowering her with his kiss.

She let him kiss her for as long as she could, but before long she broke away, kissing his nose as she did, and smiling shyly at him, brushing away the hair from her face. She laid back on the sofa, and looked up at the ceiling, wondering if she should ask him or not…she was so deep in thought she did not notice Sirius lie next to her. Only coming to her senses when he stroked her cheek, she took his hand in hers.

Say it, her brain told her. She furrowed her brow, then softened her expression, knowing Sirius would notice if she looked like that. And he had.

"Lils, what's wrong?" He asked, looking at her with such a look that would make your heart melt. Lily felt hers do so, and her brain to go with it. She seemed to have lost her mind. She shook her head.

"Nothing's wrong, Sirius…" She assured him. "I just…I want you to know that…I love you." She stammered, facing away, wishing she'd never said that now. But instead of rushing away, Sirius stayed. She felt his grip on her hand tighten. Using his other hand, he turned her face back, so she was looking at him.

His voice was barely a soft whisper as he replied with the same three words.

Lily felt the corners of her mouth twitch into a smile, though she could not hold it for long as Sirius bent to kiss her. She returned it gladly, her brain seemed to contain fireworks, it was exploding so much.

Lily was glad again that James did not find them; this was another night that he would not have wanted to. As she stood and gathered her clothing, she blushed as Sirius gazed at her.

"What?" She asked indignantly, looking at him with surprise, baring her hands, shrugging at him with mock annoyance. He merely continued to stare, and she let out a sigh, rolling her eyes. Finally he spoke.

"You know Lily, you are so beautiful." She shook her head. Why did he say such things when they weren't true?

"Sirius, don't say that." She scolded him, turning away and trying to get her jumper on over her head with difficulty.

"Why not?" He walked over to her, hugging her from behind. "It's true…you are." He grinned, staring into her eyes, and kissing her for the trillionth time, it seemed.

He loved her. Lily couldn't get those words out of her head. Sirius Black, handsome and lovely, loved her. Lily Evans.

She was such a fool sometimes. Going to pieces over just one guy.

But she couldn't help it.


	5. The Date

Whoever invented Valentine's Day deserved to be hung. Lily was slightly comforted by the fact that the person who did would be long since dead, but that also meant she couldn't get her hands on them to give them a good throttling.

She couldn't for the life of her figure out why she'd said she'd go out with James today, of all days. Maybe it had slipped her mind. After all, her life didn't revolve around one flipping stupid day that only hopeless romantics regarded as significance. Maybe it had been one of Sirius's suggestions, she couldn't actually remember, she'd just agree to most things he put forward.

Speaking of which, she'd received a rather lovely card from Sirius this morning, which was small, but nice. And she hadn't even got him anything, which she felt a bit guilty about, but then she could just use the excuse that she didn't want James to find out. He'd probably recognise her writing, he stalked her that much.

So here she was, stuck in Madam Puddifoot's (the most sickening place on the planet, if those cherubs didn't stop throwing petals everywhere…), and trying to keep a sweet temper so as not to annoy James. It wasn't really working that well, but James didn't seem to notice as he was enthralled by her every move. Last time she'd reached for the sugar bowl his eyes had practically popped out of his head.

She just smiled as serenely as it was possible to do so and prayed he didn't keep asking her stupid questions. She liked the silence; awkward as it was. It meant she didn't have to blabber on about stupid things like she tended to when nervous.

"So, Lily, why did you finally come on a date with me?" James asked, grinning at her like he'd achieved something amazingly difficult to achieve. "After all this time, you finally agreed…why?"

Lily would have scowled if it wouldn't have given the game away so much. Instead, she gazed out the window at the couples walking down the street, hand in hand (wishing she could be one of them with Sirius), and at the sun beating down on them. Finally, she turned to James, and sighed.

"I don't know, James. Maybe you wore me down." She said, lying through her back (and front) teeth. "Besides, it's only a date, it's not like I'm your girlfriend or anything." She said rather snidely, seeing the hurt look on James's face and biting her lip. She didn't want to hurt him like this, but she had long before realised that she'd hurt him even more if she told him about her and Sirius. She gave him a little smile. "Sorry James; I didn't mean it that way…" She tailed off, as the look on his face did not seem to be brightening in the slightest.

"What way did you mean it in, Evans?" He asked dangerously, pursing his lips and frowning. She noted that he'd reverted back to 'Evans' instead of 'Lily', which was not a good start.

"Look, just forget it, I didn't mean it in any way…" Lily replied nervously, looking anywhere but James, the floor, the window, the horrible little cherubs.

James rose from his seat, and glowered at Lily, looking incredibly menacing. Lily gulped, and opened her mouth to speak, yet couldn't find any words. Why was he getting so worked up over just one statement? It hadn't sounded that bad, had it? Normally, she would have just expected him to say something along the lines of 'No, not yet, but you will be.' So what was it?

Finally, James's voice sounded over the chilling silence. Was everyone in the flipping café looking at them? It seemed like it. Several pairs of eyes were rooted on the scene unveiling next to them. They'd probably been surprised enough when Lily finally agreed on a date with James Potter, but arguing like this? No.

"There's something going on with you, Evans. I don't know what it is, but I don't like it." He started, his eyes riveted on her, but not in a good sense this time. "And I'll be damned if I don't find out what the hell's going on with you." With that, he turned on his heel and sped out, hurling two sickles down on the table.

Lily gulped and gave a few nervous smiles at her fellow students, before leaving her own two sickles on the table and rising to leave. All eyes were on her. She felt a tear slide down her cheek. No, she must not cry. She'd just make an even bigger spectacle of herself.

Once out in the open, Lily breathed in the fresh air, and felt her lip tremble as she caught a glimpse of James storming down the street, going as fast as he could up to the castle. She needed to get there and warn Sirius, just in case James had any inkling at all about what was going on. She really didn't need this right now.

But what had she been expecting? That her actions would go unnoticed? That James would wish her and Sirius the best of luck, grinning and clapping Sirius on the back in a manly style? She didn't think so. Lily didn't think that James knew about them both, but surely he would find out now. After all, he had said he'd be 'damned if he didn't find out what the hell was going on'. A chill spread down Lily's spine at the mere thought of his menacing words. It was only now that she was beginning to feel the full extent of what she'd been doing.

Before it had just been innocent fun, something that James would not be finding out about, Sirius and her in love, seeing each other when they could.

Now, Lily doubted if she could ever see Sirius in the same way, with the threat of James sneaking about, watching her every move to try find things out. He would be like her shadow. She still loved Sirius; she still ached to see him. If she couldn't, she didn't know what she would do.

And now, Lily realised; James wielded the power in this relationship, not her or Sirius. He had the power to stop it, to let it carry on, and he could control Lily's feelings like this. They could no longer be at peace, whilst Lily had her stalker.

Something had to be done. Just what, she didn't know.

But they couldn't carry on like this.


End file.
